Damaged

tears fall silently into an abyss
which sheltered your lies
and shared your kiss

the clock strikes twelve
it's time to go
there's one last thing you have to know...

what you have lost cannot be salvaged
you shall regret this life you've damaged.

bad day.

Well it seems that I am a mess today. I am sitting here drinking wine directly from the bottle (this is not something i ever do) and having my own little pity party. I don't understand what i am so upset about, the things i cant seem to stop crying over are totally out of my control and not really even mine to be upset about.

so many blessings have I.

My house is a mess, I cant seem to find a decent job and no matter what we do we just cant seem to get ahead. Despite all of these things I have to say that I am truly blessed. I have the best family. My son is a wonderful little man with a magnificent personality and my boyfriend takes great care of us. He gives up most of the things that he really wants so that he can give us everything that we need.

motivation = zero.

I am feeling very unmotivated lately. I went for the job i wanted and i didn't get it. Ever since I have had zero drive to find something else. Surprise surprise, me having no drive. Well i need to snap out of it somehow. I cant babysit forever and I don't have money to go to school, and you don't exactly get paid to go. I guess that i am doomed to work in any retail establishment that will have me until i can find something else that qualifies as a career.

i think that i sometimes believe that movies can be real. i think that may be part of why i self destruct.

Here is to moving forward

Now I have never really believed in making new years resolutions, for me they are just one more way to fail. This year, however, I really feel like I need to make some changes. I have been letting life pass me by and making some very sorry excuses for it. Well the buck stops here!!! I have made a list, not of resolutions, but of my goals. I have been thinking a lot about this. On the surface I want what every other woman wants... to loose the weight and make the money. Those things are not on my list, though they will be a brilliant side effect to accomplishing my list of goals. So without further ado....

Top ten goals for 2010

1. Get a job that I want.
2. Get motivated. Stay motivated.
3. Run a 5k race. finish it.
4. Get a hobby.
5. Find some direction.
6. Get my confidence back.
7. Face my fears.
8. Learn something new.
9. Stop complaining.
10. Voulenteer.

my ugly truth.

I am indecisive, unmotivated and completely lost. I make lists for the lists that i need to make. I feel have to be organized all of the time, but i am messy and without discipline. I seem to lack any real direction in my life and cannot for the life of me feel passionate for any particular career path.
I am unhappy with my life. I push people away and then blame them for it. I never finish what i start and i am rarely ever really myself. I am terrified of failure, so i will make any excuse possible to get myself out of having to try. I like to say that i am not bitter, but who am i kidding? I have wasted years daydreaming about what my life could be like, but when it comes time to step up and make it happen i come up with a new dream or some reason why what i want is simply unattainable. I know that i can be more. I can do more. I would like to think that someday i will change. I will wake up and suddenly know what i want. Maybe someday i will feel beautiful, or worth more than just a dream.
I guess the question is how do i pick myself up out of this mess and become someone that i like?
I need to learn to get out of my own way. I need to learn discipline. I need to make the necessary changes in my life to find the happiness that i often dream of.
will it ever be enough?