recap.

Top ten goals for 2010

1. Get a job that I want.
2. Get motivated. Stay motivated.
3. Run a 5k race. finish it.
4. Get a hobby.
5. Find some direction.
6. Get my confidence back.
7. Face my fears.
8. Learn something new.
9. Stop complaining.
10. Voulenteer

I posted this list back in january. I knew that i would find it challenging, but i felt up to the challenge. I have been feeling pretty bad about my accomplishments recently, so i decided to have a look and see where i need to be in reference to where i am now. I have a job that i want, check. I got motivated, I lost it, not I am working on it. I trained for a race, couldnt get there, now I am planning to complete one in about 3 months. I still need a hobby. I still need some direction. I still have little confidence, but I think it has gotten better. I have faced a few fears, check. I learned a lot about care for sick wild animals, check. I still complain too much. I was a voulenteer for several months at a wildlife animal rescue center, check.
Overall i have a lot of work to do, but I feel better knowing this year has not been a total waste.

Dear Nancy,

I cant feel you with me, and sometimes that is okay because I make a lot of mistakes and I dont want to let you down, but most of the time
it just hurts.

Tattered souls

The agony of the bitter heart,
When loved ones are tattered.
Drifting friendless and aimlessly
Into the night,
The solitary heart seeks its match.
Reticent tears go unshed,
weeks go by, nothing to say...
The separation ruptured her heart,
The silence only destroys their bond.
She searches for another way to find,
her only love, but love is blind.
She desires and aches to see his face,
But love can't win this vicious war.
She longs each day to speak his name,
But weeks go by, each day the same...

Mirror, mirror on the wall

Make me skinny, make me tall

Man on the moon,

melt my melancholy world

Please make my dreams come true

Sand man, dear sand man

Wisk me away into ecstasy

To the dream I have fashioned to my fancy

To a world of slumber we shall soar

A place built on happy endings

And wishes fulfilled

This Prozac nation is crawling at my skin

Cutting at my flesh, exposing the core

To this nation built on lust and lies,

What such day would bring my world to life

What such dream we could collide

Oh mirror, mirror on the wall,

Please make me happy, please make it real

Man on the moon and my dream land sand man

I await your promise

What Color is Love?

Is it red like the heart or maybe it's gold,
A color that never fades as we grow old.
Perhaps it is silver like the stars up above
And that's why I'm asking; what color is love?

Is it cold and grey when it torments you,
Or is it seen in a different hue?
Is it new like a new born baby sheep,
Or true like the promises that we keep?

Is it warm like the flicker of a flame,
Is it soft like the way I call your name?
Is it sweet like the rose you are to me,
Or is it blue like the waves of the sea?

Does it shine like the brightness in your eyes,
Is it white like the soft clouds in the skies?
Is it fresh like your tender loving kiss,
Is it fine like the thoughts that bring me bliss?



Is it green like my memories oh so true,
Is it kind like the dreams I have of you?
Is it cool like the gentle evening breeze,
Or is it great like the way you please?

If it's free like the way you share your love;
If it's all of the many things above;
If it's strong like your spirit ever free,
Then that is the color of love to me.

Balloons

Three balloons
dance through the air,
snagging themselves
on stray branches as we pass.
Bright ribbons are tied tightly
to our belt loops,
in attempts to keep our balloons
forever
he buckles down in laughter
as my red balloon pops
and I am left with a sad dragging
piece of rubber
that trails behind me as I walk.
Kicked out of the Burger King play place,
she sips silently on a cup
that has been empty for the past hour.
I try to catch myself before I fall
too much in love with today.
But I realize it's too late
as we walk into Rite-Aid
and dub a piece of candy
"The Pink Push pop of Happiness".
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever grow up.
It's times like these when I hope I don't

Defeated into manipulation

I don’t think I’ll ever find someone honest enough for me

And every night spent trying to manipulate a genuine feeling

Makes me lower my standards that much more

Im slowly chipping away at the statue I’ve built

Until its nothing but a pile of rocks in the shape of a heart

Yearning to be broken again

Anyone is a possibility

And I know this isn’t the way its supposed to be

I’ve always known formulation is the enemy

But the longing for human contact is stronger than my morals

And settling doesn’t seem as bad as I once presumed it to be

You may say I am too young to be jaded

I say I am smart enough to know that dreams don’t come true

And I want to be young and in love so bad

I’ll settle for being young and not alone

Damaged

tears fall silently into an abyss
which sheltered your lies
and shared your kiss

the clock strikes twelve
it's time to go
there's one last thing you have to know...

what you have lost cannot be salvaged
you shall regret this life you've damaged.

bad day.

Well it seems that I am a mess today. I am sitting here drinking wine directly from the bottle (this is not something i ever do) and having my own little pity party. I don't understand what i am so upset about, the things i cant seem to stop crying over are totally out of my control and not really even mine to be upset about.

so many blessings have I.

My house is a mess, I cant seem to find a decent job and no matter what we do we just cant seem to get ahead. Despite all of these things I have to say that I am truly blessed. I have the best family. My son is a wonderful little man with a magnificent personality and my boyfriend takes great care of us. He gives up most of the things that he really wants so that he can give us everything that we need.

motivation = zero.

I am feeling very unmotivated lately. I went for the job i wanted and i didn't get it. Ever since I have had zero drive to find something else. Surprise surprise, me having no drive. Well i need to snap out of it somehow. I cant babysit forever and I don't have money to go to school, and you don't exactly get paid to go. I guess that i am doomed to work in any retail establishment that will have me until i can find something else that qualifies as a career.

i think that i sometimes believe that movies can be real. i think that may be part of why i self destruct.