Here is to moving forward

Now I have never really believed in making new years resolutions, for me they are just one more way to fail. This year, however, I really feel like I need to make some changes. I have been letting life pass me by and making some very sorry excuses for it. Well the buck stops here!!! I have made a list, not of resolutions, but of my goals. I have been thinking a lot about this. On the surface I want what every other woman wants... to loose the weight and make the money. Those things are not on my list, though they will be a brilliant side effect to accomplishing my list of goals. So without further ado....

Top ten goals for 2010

1. Get a job that I want.
2. Get motivated. Stay motivated.
3. Run a 5k race. finish it.
4. Get a hobby.
5. Find some direction.
6. Get my confidence back.
7. Face my fears.
8. Learn something new.
9. Stop complaining.
10. Voulenteer.

my ugly truth.

I am indecisive, unmotivated and completely lost. I make lists for the lists that i need to make. I feel have to be organized all of the time, but i am messy and without discipline. I seem to lack any real direction in my life and cannot for the life of me feel passionate for any particular career path.
I am unhappy with my life. I push people away and then blame them for it. I never finish what i start and i am rarely ever really myself. I am terrified of failure, so i will make any excuse possible to get myself out of having to try. I like to say that i am not bitter, but who am i kidding? I have wasted years daydreaming about what my life could be like, but when it comes time to step up and make it happen i come up with a new dream or some reason why what i want is simply unattainable. I know that i can be more. I can do more. I would like to think that someday i will change. I will wake up and suddenly know what i want. Maybe someday i will feel beautiful, or worth more than just a dream.
I guess the question is how do i pick myself up out of this mess and become someone that i like?
I need to learn to get out of my own way. I need to learn discipline. I need to make the necessary changes in my life to find the happiness that i often dream of.
will it ever be enough?

MORNINGS AT BLACKWATER

for years, every morning, i drank
from blackwater pond
it was flavored with oak leaves and also, no doubt,
the feet of ducks.

and always it assuaged me
from the dry bowl of the very far past.

what i want to say is

that the past is the past,
and the present is what your life is,
and you are capable
of choosing what that will be,
darling citizen.

so come to the pond,
or the river of your longing,

and put your lips to the world.
and live
your life.

by Mary Oliver

to the court system- spesifically custody

I understand that you all feel over worked and under paid. I am aware that there are a lot of cases, too many. THAT IS NO EXCUSE!!!!!!!!!! Most people justifiably have similar complaints yet they manage to do their jobs the right way. I think that it is BS that the courts tend to favor the mom as default. In my experience, unless there is a mountain of evidence that the mom is unfit and the father deserves every award under the sun custody tends to go to the mom. WELL WAKE UP WOULD YOU!!!!!!!! There are really great fathers out there that want only the best for their children, fathers that spend thousands of dollars and hours fighting for what is rightfully theirs only to have it taken from them without considering the best thing for the child. There are a lot of cases when the father is better for the child but custody goes to the mom anyway because that is easier than taking the time to do what really is in the best interest of the child. WAKE THE F*** UP AMERICA!!!!!!!!!!!! Our country is going to SH*T because we don't take the time to make sure that our actions are in the best interest of all involved. SLOW DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

back to my roots

It occurred to me today, as I decided to take a look into my past, that I used to write. I was a poet. I was reading some of my old work today and something hit me. The last two lines of a poem that I wrote back in high school.

So i can heal, instead of hide.

I feel so angry with myself. I have been so lost for a few years now. I have been hiding instead of healing. It is time to stop hiding from myself so that I can live my life.

See Through the Paper

Doodles litter my notebook

like snowflakes dancing through the trees

beyond the window sill

lined paper

decorated with words and pictures from my soul

Seeing through the paper

Past what one pen forms

with the black ink

that's truly where I am

just trying to think

Trying to learn who I am

What's inside

So I can heal

Instead of hide.

This is not one of my best, but today it captured me.